Some Therapeutic Ranting

I normally don't use this blog to rant about my personal feelings. But lately I feel like I need to make some kind of post to help myself work all the things out that are going on in my head. Besides, I never said this blog was only for political ranting. Ha ha.
Recently, I lost a friend who I had grown very close to. Perhaps too close. He and I were a great team in lots of ways, but I made the mistake of treating him more like a psychologist and less like a friend. After a while, he stopped talking to me except when he needed me to do something for a project or something. I've felt resentful toward him because I wanted him to continue being there for me and because he told me on several occasions that I could come to him with my problems. I asked him several times if he was okay with my ranting and he said it was fine. But it wasn't fine and he eventually shut me out. He's always been all talk though, so I should've known better.
Still, in many ways, I think it was my own fault too, though people tell me not to even consider that. I knew even when he said he was fine that pressure and stress were building up on him. I was asking too much of him, and I recognized that, it's just that I had no one else to turn to.
And in other ways it was completely understandable that our friendship dissolved. The people he hangs out with now, outside of politics, have far more in common with him than I ever did. And their relationship with him is far more healthy than mine was. The problem with my relationship to him was that I became dependent on him for support. He became the solution to every single one of my problems. If I was lonely, I expected him to make me feel not lonely. If I was sad, I expected him to make me feel happy. If I was bored, I expected acted like it didn't bother him, it was extremely unfair to him and put an unnecessary amount of pressure on him.
I can't blame him for needing space, I would have just cut off all contact if I were in his shoes. Looking back over the past couple of months I've been completely crazy, literally. In my defense, this last semester has been the worst one I've yet experienced. I had two medical scares, am on my way to failing a class, lost a lot of friends and damaged my relationships with others, been betrayed by numerous people, gotten my hopes up way too many times, nearly ended up homeless, went in debt nearly a thousand dollars, and all of this combined together gave me one bad start to the year 2011.
A friend told me once that whenever anything in my life disrupts my homeostasis I like to cuddle up to my friends for support. I think he's right and I think I do it emotionally as well. Over the past six months I was constantly sucking the life out of other people in order to compensate for anything that is lacking in my own. Coming from an addictive family, I think I have my own addiction to other human beings. I put people on a pedestal and expect them to be my saviors. And if it turns out by chance that they are actually normal people who can't always be there for me, then I lash out at them, sometimes quite viciously. It isn't healthy and I'm trying not to do it anymore.
One really positive thing that I can say is that I've gotten better. Unlike some others I've witnessed, I can always recognize at some point when I'm doing or have done something wrong. I always try to then find constructive ways to deal with my emotional ruptures when I notice them or someone else points them out. I can look back and say honestly and happily that I'm much better than I was a year ago or five years ago. I'm seeing an actual psychologist at my school and this helps me a lot in dealing with things whenever my homeostasis is disrupted. Ha ha. It's also showing me healthier ways to dealing with people. This is probably the most important thing to me because I'd like to ensure I don't drive people way either with over dependence or hostility.
Anyway, now that I've gotten all of this out I think I'll much better. Writing about things has its therapeutic qualities, which is probably why I enjoy it so much. And it's probably a better way of dealing with things than asking others to take on my burdens, because when I really think about it I would never want to have to deal listening to someone's insecurities and have to talk them through them all the time.